The truth about attachment and baby's sleep

Are you a parent who uses attachment parenting? 

Are you afraid of sleep training your baby? Please read this!
 

         By definition, attachment parenting(AP) is defined as a parenting philosophy based on the principles of attachment theory in developmental psychology. As an advocate of attachment parenting, I believe that developing attachment with caregivers (including parents, grandparents, early childhood educators or anyone who takes care of babies) is the most important achievement for children in their first three years of life. From birth, babies start developing relationships with caregivers based on interaction between them. In most cases, parents who are primary caregivers are the driving force behind what type of attachment styles their babies receive. Babies, whose parents are responsive and nurturing, develop more secure-based attachments. Unfortunately, others develop insecure-based attachment grounded in negative relationships (e.g., caregivers are neglectful, they reject the baby, or the relationships are unpredictable). Many studies have shown that secure based attachment is positively correlated to babies’ social and emotional development as well as their readiness to learn which can greatly impact their life further down the road. In addition, secure based attachment results in better sleep among babies in terms of both duration and quality. Also, many recent longitudinal studies have shown that parents reported their babies sleep patterns and parenting quality as predictors of infant-mother attachment. 

          One problem is that many parents do not clearly understand the meaning of attachment parenting. They consider that old school style which is strict and structured is the opposite of attachment parenting which is responsive and gentle. Leaving a baby in the crib and allowing him to cry out for sleep training is an old school style while responding to all the small mumbling and movements is the new approach, attachment style.  Can this be true?

          What attachment parenting truly means is being in tune with your babies’ needs, but at the same time providing opportunities for them to reach their potential but only, when they are ready. You can be responsive and gentle as much as needed so that your baby feels comfortable and safe but you also must consider limits to this and provide guidance. Sensitivity from parents is a key component of attachment parenting. The level of sensitivity can determine what type of attachment their child will display. Sensitive parents, who are in tune with their child, know what they want, and respond appropriately, will more easily develop secured-based attachment. Having said this, we need to be careful not to over respond because it can take away opportunities that teach babies new skills, including how to sleep independently. It is important to find balance between being responsive and trusting what your baby can achieve independently. In fact, studies have shown that depressed mothers usually tend to over-respond to their children, which can cause sleep issues with their children. Babies are given the opportunity to develop good sleep habits within the boundaries determined by parents, based on what they know about their babies. When you are teaching your baby how to walk, you need to wait until he is ready. Once you see that his leg and core muscles are strong enough, you start encouraging him to walk by paying attention, moving harmful objects that are in his way, holding his hands, cheering, and complimenting. However, you know that at some point, you need to let go so he can take some real steps by himself. 

           The same goes for sleep. You can create a lovely nursery with a safe and cozy crib followed by a developmentally appropriate routine and wait until he is ready. For him to master how to sleep independently, you need to step back and give him a chance to succeed. This can be stressful and difficult but it is essentially just like learning any other new skill. At this point, you need to use attachment-based parenting again. Tune into your baby to see if the stress is manageable. Many studies have shown that manageable stress is necessary in order to acquire new skills. Based on your baby’s tolerance (and your tolerance), you can control your sleep guidance methods and tempo (That’s why I use an individualized plan for each family). I encourage all parents to be involved in this process to discuss how you should guide your baby for better sleep since you know your child the best! Most healthy babies are capable of learning healthy sleep habits while you continue to maintain your attachment parenting.

If you want to get an individualized plan that is the best fit for your family, please contact us, CDA Baby Solution via cdababysolutions@gmail.com

Book review “The rabbit who wants to fall asleep - a new way of getting children to sleep”

Picture from the Facebook page of The Rabbit Who Wants to Fall Asleep

          I recently read an article about this book and it intrigued me to the point that I felt I needed to actually read it. The article mentioned that this book was a #1 best seller on Amazon.  As a baby sleep consultant/early childhood educator/child development expert/parents educator, it was great to see that parents took baby’s sleep seriously but at the same time, it was a bit scary to think that there are so many children that are suffering from sleep deprivation. Having said this, I was very excited to read this book and checked my mail box every day (multiple times a day, in fact) anticipating its arrival.

          When I had the book in my hand, I was a bit disappointed because I thought I had ordered a hard covered copy but I actually received a paperback book instead (Don’t ever ask your husband to do something without double checking!). I personally like using hard cover books with children because they are more durable. The first page describes how to use this book. Bold texts indicate that you need to emphasize these specific words, Italic texts indicate that you need to use your calm and slow voice, and also, some parts require you to  act out and say your child’s name in sentences. It also explains that the constructed sentences and the choice of words can be unusual because they were chosen for a psychological purpose by the author, Carl-Johan who has an extensive psychology background.

          This book is about a little rabbit named Roger who cannot sleep. His mother asked him put all his thoughts into a box and they left the house to see Uncle Yawn. On the way to his home, they met a Sleepy Snail who asked him slow down their tempo - walk slow, think slow, breathe slow, etc. Also, he met a Heavy Eyed Owl who asked him to relax his body - lay down, relax your feet, legs, your upper body, arms, head, eyelids, and allow your whole body to be heavy in order to fall asleep. Finally, they arrived at Uncle Yawn’s house and Uncle Yawn read a powerful spell that would make him fall asleep. On the way back, Roger felt more and more tired and when he finally arrived at home, he fall asleep in his bed.

          As I assumed before, the book is for older children (not for infants) but you can always shorten the story for your younger child based on his/her comprehension level, attention span, etc. You can even change some of the difficult words into some easier words that he/she already knows but it is still a good idea to keep a few new important words. We all know bedtime story time is beneficial in terms of cognitive development, language development, emotional well-being, etc. As one of the processes of a bed time ritual, story time can provide children with a calm and quiet moment which is crucial in making children ready to sleep. This is especially the case for children whose lives are filled with different activities as well as different gadgets such as smart phones, ipads, computers, etc. Our modern society can be overly stimulated during the daytime so it is important for them to have this period of calmness. One of the best features of the book is that it actively asks children to be more relaxed.  Through the use of its characters, this book uses many relaxation techniques and describes exactly what to do, step by step. It also tries to plant seeds of thought that your child is tired by proclaiming “you are tired now” or by using a yawning action. Many children who are overly stimulated don’t realize they are tired and need to rest. It is important to remind them that they are tired by encouraging them to concentrate on what they feel such as heavy eyelids, drowsy feelings, etc. From my experience, once a child starts feeling tired and enjoys the feeling of relaxing his/her body, most non medical sleep issues can be solved easily with the use of a developmentally appropriated schedule and parents’ consistency when responding to their sleep issues (e.g. sleep training).

          I would recommend this book for parents who try are trying to teach their children how to relax before going to bed. However, I can also recommend that you can even make a similar book for your child if you include these two main lessons from this book:

1. Help make your child feel relaxed by describing what to do exactly by using a step by step method (e.g. relax your legs, relax your arms and close your eyes). These small steps are easy to follow for even younger children. You can even gently touch or softly and quickly massage body parts while giving directions since skin to skin touch should allow them to relax even more.  

2. Let them know that they are tired. As I mentioned earlier, it is important for them to focus on feeling their bodies. Many overly stimulated children forget or cannot realize they are tired. Along with the relaxation, you can remind them that they are tired and drowsy so it’s time to go to sleep.

          Some other key points for having a successful story time before bed include thinking about your child’s level, contents of the book, your tone of voice and effort. Pick the appropriate lengths and levels of words based on your child’s level (or you can edit the story). Avoid reading scary, violent, or overly exciting stories before bed. Watch your tone of voice as well. Use a quiet voice that includes whispering. Provide undivided attention to your child during this time and enjoy the close proximity to your child. Another important consideration is setting up a proper sleep environment. In other words,  dim the lights, proper sleep temperature (18 ˚C -21˚C), noise control (e.g. turn on the white noise machine), safe and proper bedding, stop using TV or other electric devices, etc. All of these should be performed before a sleep ritual actually starts. Bedtime stories are some of the most memorable childhood shared experiences for both you and your child.

If you need more help for getting your child to sleep, please contact me via cdababysolutions@gmail.com

For all you parents that are sleep deprived, check out the book below and have a good laugh. This children’s book for adults was the #1 best seller on Amazon a few years ago. It captures the frustration of parents who try to get their little one’s to sleep in a humorous way.

Is it time to go back to work?

          Your maternity leave is almost over and it’s time to think about how this will affect your baby. If you’re lucky, you have already reserved a spot in group child care. If you’re even luckier, your extended family will be taking care of your little one.

          I would love to offer you some tips that will help your baby adapt to this new environment. The following tips are for parents who will send their little one to a group child care setting (since I am an Early Childhood Educator), however, you can also use these for other cases as well.

          I’m sure that even if you’re hiring a nanny or using group child care, that you did your best to find a best fit for your baby. Each baby is unique, but I can tell you your baby’s development can depend greatly on the type of care they receive. Therefore, finding the best care giver is very important. I’m not implying that you need to have a care giver who has a Ph.D or that you need to find a luxurious child care centre with gourmet meals. Simply, experience and education of care givers can make a difference.

          There are a few steps that need to be considered before this new beginning for your child. The first step is for you as a parent, to get ready. I have seen many parents who are actually more anxious than their babies. Most likely, this anxiety comes from the unknown. To combat this, you can talk to other parents who are already attending the child care centre your baby will attend. This will give you some idea on what you can expect. Also, most child care centres will provide some type of orientation. Before you have this meeting with the early childhood educators, you can make a list of questions you may want to ask. The more you know about you and your baby’s new life, the more you will feel at ease. Moreover, use this orientation session to provide information about your baby to the early childhood educators. The more the educators know about your baby the more they will be able to best accommodate your baby. Remember, communication is the key between you and the early childhood educators. This open conversation should continue even after your baby has started at the centre.

          The next step is to set a schedule for your baby. I know it may seem impossible to have a rigid schedule with your little one. However, at the very least, you can create some patterns. For example, your baby wakes up, you feed him/her followed by play time and a morning nap. Once your baby wakes up, has his lunch, stroller ride, and then his/her afternoon nap. When your baby wakes up, has a snack, play, and afternoon nap. Your little one wakes up, has dinner, bath, and goes to sleep. You can create this while keeping in mind your drop off/pick up time and the child care centre’s sample schedule. The easier your baby gets used to this new schedule, the easier his/her transition will be. 

          If you are a mother who has been breast feeding your baby and wants to keep doing this, it is probably time to introduce the bottle to your baby. This will allow you to still use your breast milk. If you feel that your baby feels calmer and more satisfied after he/she has had your milk, it is good idea to continue sending your milk to the child care centre. Some babies transition to bottles without issue. If there is milk they can drink, they will take it. Others need more practice. When you introduce a bottle, start with the first morning feeding when your baby is most hungry. Your little one will resist the transition the least at that point of the day. Also, when other care givers are around, such as your husband or your mother, they can even try. For your baby, You=breasts. So, he may protest if you are trying to do it. In other words, “Hey, I see your breasts and smell them. Why do I need to take this rubber nipple?” You may also need to try several different types of bottles in order to find one that your baby likes. This can take time, but it is better to find one that your baby likes now instead of sitting at your work desk worrying about whether he is being fed properly.

          The last and most important step before going back to work is to finish sleep training! Most babies don’t like change. Sleep training and starting group child care can be an eye opening experience especially if your baby has never been taken care of by someone other than you. As you probably know, expect a few tears and time to adjust. New experiences are always an adventure that can increase stress levels. To help your baby overcome this difficult time, allow them to experience change gradually, one by one, instead of all together. I advise you to finish sleep training at least 2 to 3 months before child care starts. Keep in mind, a lack of restorative sleep can cause emotional and behavioural problems, which can greatly impact the process of adaptation to a new environment for your little one. Also, it is really hard for early childhood educators to help your baby develop good sleep habits when they can only help with naps at the centre. Good naps are usually followed by a good night sleep and vice versa. Without addressing night time sleep, developing generally good sleep habits take much longer. Moreover, they have other babies to take care of and most likely your baby will sleep in the same room with other babies. Even if your baby is crying a lot, sometimes educators needs to decide whose nap needs to given up on by taking one baby out of the nap room. In other words, your baby vs other babies.

          In closing, good sleep habits will help your baby to enjoy their day at the centre and give them more energy to learn, the reason you are sending them to child care. Remember, starting in a group child care setting can disrupt your baby’s sleep temporarily but if they develop good sleep habits early, it is easy to get back on the right path again once your baby adapts to the new environment.


Please contact us if you decide starting sleep train your baby via cdababysolutions@gmail.com